“Do you find yourself getting avoidant or dismissive?”
“Are your colleagues often complaining about how bossy you behave?”
“Do you find it difficult to contribute your opinion?”
All these and more might be a telltale sign that something needs attention.
Traumas are like physical wounds; the more you cover them untreated, the more they eat deep into the skin and become bigger. In the worst-case scenario, the affected part might be amputated! It is unimaginable how trauma can cause our emotional and mental make-up to be cut off from our being.
From the tiniest thing as being yelled at work or fatal accidents, they can shape-shift our emotions till they spiral out of control. It’s much easier to recognise bigger traumatic events, such as the loss of a loved one, and then get help than mini traumas that are often negligible.
The accumulation of these traumas worsens and manifests in different ways at work, school, market, etc. We have a qualified psychologist who will put us in perspective on handling mini traumas, especially in the workplace.
Dr Sheela Reddy: A Doctor at Heart and Mind
Dr Sheela had a rough childhood and growing up was not a bed of roses either. There were days of illnesses, verbal and physical abuse, etc. She managed to rise above all of these and get the life she is living now.
She received her first degree in psychology in India and then pursued a master’s and PhD in Counselling and Multicultural Counselling Psychology, respectively. She has also worked as an addiction therapist, college counselor, co-owner of a technology company, clinical director, and now integrative mental health and coaching consultant.
Her academic and professional experience has made her invaluable and put her at the top of her game.
What are Traumas?
Traumas are emotional responses to distressing situations or events. These events can be frightening or anything that threatens safety. One common myth about trauma is that it stems from physical abuse or physical occurrence.
“The most difficult kind of traumas are usually verbal and emotional” — Dr Sheela Reddy.
Major Trauma
These are like the big blows that hit us while we were just living, and of course, they changed the trajectory of our lives. Dr. Sheela mentioned that they are usually more continuous verbal and emotional abuses.
It could also be:
- The death of a loved one
- Accidents
- Bullying
- Sexual Assault
Minor Trauma
This is the day’s main focus, and she highlighted various examples. She called them mini-stressors and said they can stay in the body over a long period of time, which can lead to acute stress Syndrome or prolonged PTSD. It all depends on how the brain processes the events:
- Breakups
- Family illness
- Loss of a pet
- Loos of a Job
- Minor Surgery
- Rejection or Feeling of rejection
- Family Fights
- Lack of social Connect (Covid lockdown)
- Abusive bosses
- Communication Barriers
Effects of Traumas
Dr Sheela explained how traumas can affect our daily activities and quality of life if they are not properly addressed.
Culture and Trauma
She gave a case study of the typical Indian society, which is community—and family-centric. This means more emphasis is placed on interdependency in living. This can be socially intrusive, and there is a tendency to always think about what people will say. For an introvert, it might be really difficult and create a lot of anxiety.
One thing Dr Sheela mentioned is the fact that Cultural nuances contribute to personal intrusion of boundaries.
Reactions To Trauma
We are familiar with the flight or fight response to overwhelming situations, but Dr. Sheela discussed two additional responses.
- Fight: The urge to get defensive
- Flight: The urge to run away
- Freeze: The pause and blackout amidst Chaos
- Fawn: The urge to just respond to the situation because it is expected of you.
How the effect manifests Physically
This helps you to identify a traumatic event that needs to be solved.
Physically: It could be a stomach upset, headaches, heart palpitations, inability to maintain moderate body temperature, tremors, or fatigue.
Mentally: Unexplained memory loss, Confusion, Anxiety, Numbness, Suicidal thoughts and Dissociation
Behaviour: Coping mechanisms like substance abuse, excluding from social activities
Healthy Coping Mechanism
Talking about getting attached to coping mechanisms, Dr Reddy gave a list of coping mechanisms to respond to trauma.
- Be aware: You have to be conscious of your environment and situation and try to attune your mind to be present with your physical body.
- Practise Physical Calming: This is just a simple exercise to distract yourself from overthinking or an overwhelming situation. Once calm, you can engage your prefrontal cortex and process what you want to think about. Dr Reddy showed us a few movements we can incorporate in breathing techniques. You want to check it out here.
- Talk or Write: We often underestimate the power of journaling or opening up to someone. Understandably, not all events are comfortable to share with someone, and that’s why journaling has become very important. It helps you reflect later; if you are consistent, you can identify patterns in your trauma response.
- Seek Spiritual or Religious Counsel: If you are religious, it is very helpful to seek help connecting with your creator. You feel safe and peaceful when you get counsel that aligns with your belief system.
- Meet your Doctor & Psychologist: The crown is to seek professional help. Nothing can substitute the help of a psychologist in dealing with trauma. They have the knowledge and experience to identify what works best for you.
Question and Answer
In the presentation stage, you discussed different personality types. Do you have any genuine or legitimate psychological tests that we can use?
Yes, there are some specific tests for depression or anxiety. There are specific scales that are empirically validated. There is the emotional intelligence scale and leadership personality inventory, which you must go through with a psychologist to properly interpret the result.
I also know about the 16 personality tests, which are based on MBTI. You can find out that 75% of the results are accurate, and that’s really enough to gain any kind of awareness about who you are and why you do things in certain ways.
It’s good to know whether you cope better quietly or whether you can process things extrovertedly. Knowing this will improve your relationships with others.
Finally, in terms of getting to know yourself, there is a book called the Ikigai Journal, a Japanese concept. It has small exercises in every chapter to help you get to know yourself a little bit. The exercises are simple things like “Who am I today?” They help you declutter personal tasks from home or interpersonal relationships and whatnot to help you know who you are and who you want to be in these different aspects of your life.
How does someone dissociate themselves from a generational trauma and traits they’ve experienced?
It depends on the combination of emotions and reactions they had as children. This is why they would pick a role model or someone they admire. For example, my best friend’s mom, Aunty, filled in that gap for me. Maybe I would have been a different kind of parent if I hadn’t fallen in love with my friend’s mom.
I often went to her house after school and hung around her mother because I wanted that love and affection, right? My friend preferred to read and was less interested in kitchen duties, but I’d stick around in the kitchen, cut vegetables with Aunty, and chat with her. I craved this emotional attention.
So I discovered I wanted that kind of relationship with my children, which doesn’t mean I didn’t bring some other stuff I learned from my mother. I’d get triggered and angry at my kids to the extent of slapping them only a couple of times when they were below the age of 5. I didn’t like it, I was so ashamed of myself. It took awareness and a more conscious effort for me to change the negative traits I had taken from my mother. My children, thankfully, remember that I cried more than them after I hit them and apologized for losing my temper.
“Mom, sometimes we deserve it.” As adults now, they’d say,
“I could have been better; you never deserve to be hit”. I’d reply to them.
My girls are amazing, confident girls who never let anyone hurt them verbally or physically.
There is no way you know that you may have taken on the traits of your abusive parent or spouse, especially as a child. You just have to grow up and consciously try to do away with what you do not want. The two parts came with me: the good from my friend’s mother and the bad from my mother. I had to work through saying, “I don’t want to be like this; I want to change”. It was a very conscious change. I read many books on parenting. I read about trauma. Then, I set structures that would make me react or respond to situations better.
